It is 6:30 a.m., still dark. At this hour, the birds are not even awake yet. There is a soulful silence. Fortunately, there are lights around the small lake in Vitruvian Park. To get in more steps, I often walk around an overlook, up and down stairs and over a bridge onto a small man-made island. Nothing seems unusual as I step onto the bridge which is in shadow, but a light shines on the walkway on the island. There, carefully scattered are rose petals! Everywhere there are specks of red dotting the pale grey sidewalk, culminating in the large red heart in the photo above. I am astounded, even picking up one of the petals to sniff it. It’s real! I wonder if this is left over from the night before. Surely, there must have been some sort of wind during the night, thereby upsetting the careful distribution of the sweet-smelling flowers. I believe the romantic sneaked out here before I arrived and is now waking his or her partner for their normal early morning jog. I leave this scene of dreamy creativity hopeful that all the romantic’s hard work evokes a passionate reaction.
According to Wikipedia, romance is an emotional feeling of love for, or a strong attraction toward another person, and the courtship behaviors undertaken by an individual to express those overall feelings and resultant emotions.
The “Wiley Blackwell Encyclopedia of Family Studies” states that "Romantic love, based on the model of mutual attraction and on a connection between two people that bonds them as a couple, creates the conditions for overturning the model of family and marriage that it engenders." This indicates that romantic love can be the founding of attraction between two people. This term was primarily used by the "western countries after the 1800s were socialized into, love is the necessary prerequisite for starting an intimate relationship and represents the foundation on which to build the next steps in a family."
Alternatively, “Collins Dictionary” describes romantic love as "an intensity and idealization of a love relationship, in which the other is imbued with extraordinary virtue, beauty, etc., so that the relationship overrides all other considerations, including material ones."
Anthropologist Charles Lindholm defined love as "any intense attraction that involves the idealization of the other, within an erotic context, with expectation of enduring sometime into the future."
Although the emotions and sensations of romantic love are widely associated with sexual attraction, romantic feelings can exist without expectation of physical consummation and be subsequently expressed. Historically, the term romance originates with the medieval ideal of chivalry as set out in the literature of chivalric romance.
Historical usage
The word "romance" comes from the French vernacular where initially it indicated a verse narrative. The word was originally an adverb of Latin origin, "romanicus," meaning "of the Roman style." European medieval vernacular tales, epics and ballads generally dealt with chivalric adventure, not bringing in the concept of love until late into the 17th century.
The word “romance” developed other meanings, such as the early 19th century Spanish and Italian definitions of "adventurous" and "passionate," which could intimate both "love affair" and "idealistic quality."
Anthropologists such as Claude Lévi-Strauss show that there were complex forms of courtship in ancient as well as contemporary primitive societies. There may not be evidence, however, that members of such societies formed loving relationships distinct from their established customs in a way that would parallel modern romance.
In the majority of primitive societies studied by the anthropologists, the extramarital and premarital relations between men and women were completely free. The members of the temporary couples were sexually attracted to each other more than to anyone else, but in all other respects their relationships had not demonstrated the characteristics of romantic love. In Boris Shipov’s book “Theory of Romantic Love” the corresponding evidences of anthropologists have been collected. Lewis H. Morgan: "The passion of love was unknown among the barbarians. They are below the sentiment, which is the offspring of civilization and super added refinement of love was unknown among the barbarians." Margaret Mead: "Romantic love as it occurs in our civilization, inextricably bound up with ideas of monogamy, exclusiveness, jealousy and undeviating fidelity does not occur in Samoa." Bronislaw Malinowski: "Though the social code does not favor romance, romantic elements and imaginative personal attachments are not altogether absent in Trobriand courtship and marriage."
One should notice that the phenomenon which B.Malinowski calls love, actually has very little in common with the European love: "Thus there is nothing roundabout in a Trobriand wooing; nor do they seek full personal relations, with sexual possession only as a consequence. Simply and directly a meeting is asked for with the avowed intention of sexual gratification. If the invitation is accepted, the satisfaction of the boy's desire eliminates the romantic frame of mind, the craving for the unattainable and mysterious … an important point is that the pair's community of interest is limited to the sexual relation only. The couple share a bed and nothing else ... there are no services to be mutually rendered, they have no obligation to help each other in any way."
The aborigines of Mangaia island of Polynesia — who mastered the English language — used the word "love" with a completely different meaning as compared to that which is usual for the person brought up in the European culture. Donald S.Marshall: "Mangaian informants and coworkers were quite interested in the European concept of "love." English-speaking Mangaians had previously used the term only in a physical sense of sexual desire; to say "I love you" in English to another person was tantamount to saying "I want to copulate with you." The components of affection and companionship — which may characterize the European use of the term — puzzled the Mangaians when we discussed the term. The principal findings that one can draw from an analysis of emotional components of sexual relationship feelings on Mangaia are:
1. There is no cultural connection between a willingness to copulate with a person and any feeling of affection or liking or admiration between copulating partners.
2. The degree of "passion" between two individuals in sexual relationships is not related to an emotional involvement but to degrees of instruction in, and use of, sexual techniques."
Before the 18th century, many marriages were not arranged, but rather developed out of more or less spontaneous relationships. After the 18th century, illicit relationships took on a more independent role. In bourgeois marriage, illicitness may have become more formidable and likely to cause tension. In “Ladies of the Leisure Class,” Rutgers University professor Bonnie G. Smith depicts courtship and marriage rituals that may be viewed as oppressive to modern people. She writes "When the young women married, they did so without illusions of love and romance. They acted within a framework of concern for the reproduction of bloodlines according to financial, professional and sometimes political interests." Subsequent sexual revolution has lessened the conflicts arising out of liberalism, but not eliminated them.
Anthony Giddens — in “The Transformation of Intimacy: Sexuality, Love and Eroticism in Modern Society” — states that romantic love introduced the idea of a narrative to an individual's life, and telling a story is a root meaning of the term romance. According to Giddens, the rise of romantic love more or less coincided with the emergence of the novel. It was then that romantic love, associated with freedom and therefore the ideals of romantic love, created the ties between freedom and self-realization.
David R. Shumway states that "the discourse of intimacy" emerged in the last third of the 20th century, intended to explain how marriage and other relationships worked, and making the specific case that emotional closeness is much more important than passion, with intimacy and romance coexisting.
One example of the changes experienced in relationships in the early 21st century was explored by Giddens regarding homosexual relationships. According to Giddens, since homosexuals were not able to marry, they were forced to pioneer more open and negotiated relationships. These kinds of relationships then permeated the heterosexual population.
The origin of romantic love
Boris Shipov hypothesizes that "those psychological mechanisms that give rise to limerence or romantic love between a man and a woman [arise] as a product of the contradiction between sexual desire and the morality of a monogamous society, which impedes the realization of this attraction."
F. Engels in his book “The Origin of the Family, Private Property and the State” states, "Monogamy was the only known form of the family under which modern sex love could develop; it does not follow that this love developed exclusively — or even predominantly — within it as the mutual love of the spouses. The whole nature of strict monogamian marriage under male domination ruled this out." Sigmund Freud stated, "It can easily be shown that the psychical value of erotic needs is reduced as soon as their satisfaction becomes easy. An obstacle is required in order to heighten libido; and where natural resistances to satisfaction have not been sufficient men have at all times erected conventional ones so as to be able to enjoy love. This is true both of individuals and of nations. In times in which there were no difficulties standing in the way of sexual satisfaction, such as perhaps during the decline of the ancient civilizations, love became worthless and life empty."
Popularization of love
The conception of romantic love was popularized in Western culture by the concept of courtly love. Chevaliers or knights in the Middle Ages, engaged in what were usually nonphysical and nonmarital relationships with women of nobility whom they served. These relations were highly elaborate and ritualized in a complexity that was steeped in a framework of tradition, which stemmed from theories of etiquette derived out of chivalry as a moral code of conduct.
Courtly love and the notion of domnei were often the subjects of troubadours and could be typically found in artistic endeavors such as lyrical narratives and poetic prose of the time.
Since marriage was commonly nothing more than a formal arrangement, courtly love sometimes permitted expressions of emotional closeness that may have been lacking from the union between husband and wife. In terms of courtly love, "lovers" did not necessarily refer to those engaging in sexual acts, but rather, to the act of caring and to emotional intimacy.
The bond between a knight and his lady — or the woman of typically high stature of whom he served — may have escalated psychologically but seldom ever physically. For knighthood during the Middle Ages, the intrinsic importance of a code of conduct was in large part as a value system of rules codified as a guide to aid a knight in his capacity as champion of the downtrodden, but especially in his service to the Lord.
In the context of dutiful service to a woman of high social standing, ethics designated as a code were effectively established as an institution to provide a firm moral foundation by which to combat the idea that unfit attentions and affections were to ever be tolerated as "a secret game of trysts" behind closed doors. Therefore, a knight trained in the substance of "chivalry" was instructed to serve a lady most honorably, with purity of heart and mind. To that end, he committed himself to the welfare of both Lord and Lady with unwavering discipline and devotion, while at the same time, presuming to uphold core principles set forth in the code by the religion by which he followed.
Religious meditations upon the Virgin Mary were partially responsible for the development of chivalry as an ethic and lifestyle: the concept of the honor of a lady and knightly devotion to her, coupled with an obligatory respect for all women, factored prominently as central to the very identity of medieval knighthood. As knights were increasingly emulated, eventual changes were reflected in the inner-workings of feudal society. Members of the aristocracy were schooled in the principles of chivalry, which facilitated important changes in attitudes regarding the value of women.
Behaviorally, a knight was to regard himself towards a lady with a transcendence of premeditated thought—his virtue ingrained within his character. A chevalier was to conduct himself always graciously, bestowing upon her the utmost courtesy and attentiveness. He was to echo shades of this to all women, regardless of class, age, or status. Over time, the concept of chivalry and the notion of the courtly gentleman became synonymous with the ideal of how love and romance should exist between the sexes. Through the timeless popularization in art and literature of tales of knights and princesses, kings and queens, a formative and longstanding (sub)consciousness helped to shape relationships between men and women.
“De amore” or “The Art of Courtly Love,” as it is known in English, was written in the 12th century. The text is widely misread as permissive of extramarital affairs. However, it is useful to differentiate the physical from without: romantic love as separate and apart from courtly love when interpreting such topics as: "Marriage is no real excuse for not loving," "He who is not jealous cannot love," "No one can be bound by a double love" and "When made public love rarely endures."
Some believe that romantic love evolved independently in multiple cultures. For example, in an article presented by Henry Grunebaum, he argues "Therapists mistakenly believe that romantic love is a phenomenon unique to Western cultures and first expressed by the troubadours of the Middle Ages."
The more current and Western traditional terminology meaning "court as lover" or the general idea of "romantic love" is believed to have originated in the late 19th and early 20th centuries, primarily from that of the French culture. This idea is what has spurred the connection between the words "romantic" and "lover," thus coining English phrases for romantic love such as "loving like the Romans do." The precise origins of such a connection are unknown, however. Although the word "romance" or the equivalents thereof may not have the same connotation in other cultures, the general idea of "romantic love" appears to have crossed cultures and been accepted as a concept at one point in time or another.
In philosophy
Plato
Greek philosophers and authors have had many theories of love. Some of these theories are presented in Plato’s “Symposium.” Six Athenian friends, including Socrates, drink wine and each give a speech praising the deity Eros. When his turn comes, Aristophanes says in his mythical speech that sexual partners seek each other because they are descended from beings with spherical torsos, two sets of human limbs, genitalia on each side and two faces back to back. Their three forms included the three permutations of pairs of gender (i.e., one masculine and masculine, another feminine and feminine and the third masculine and feminine) and they were split by the gods to thwart the creatures' assault on heaven, recapitulated — according to the comic playwright — in other myths such as the Alodae.
This story is relevant to modern romance partly because of the image of reciprocity it shows between the sexes. In the final speech before Alcibiades arrives, Socrates gives his encomium of love and desire as a lack of being, namely, the being or form of beauty.
René Girard
René Girard argues that romantic attraction is a product of jealousy and rivalry — particularly in a triangular form.
Girard, in any case, downplays romance's individuality in favor of jealousy and the love triangle, arguing that romantic attraction arises primarily in the observed attraction between two others. A natural objection is that this is circular reasoning, but Girard means that a small measure of attraction reaches a critical point insofar as it is caught up in mimesis or imitation, nonsensuous similarity and mimicry. Shakespeare's plays “A Midsummer Night’s Dream,” “As You Like It” and “The Winter’s Tale” are the best known examples of competitive-induced romance.
Girard's theory of mimetic desire is controversial because of its alleged sexism. This view has to some extent supplanted its predecessor, Freudian Oedipal theory. It may find some spurious support in the supposed attraction of women to aggressive men. As a technique of attraction — often combined with irony — it is sometimes advised that one feign toughness and disinterest, but it can be a trivial or crude idea to promulgate to men.
American views of romantic love
Victor C. De Munck and David B. Kronenfeld conducted a study named "Romantic Love in the United States: Applying Cultural Models Theory and Methods." This study was conducted through an investigation of two cultural model cases. It states that in America "we have a rather novel and dynamic cultural model that is falsifiable and predictive of successful love relationships." Which supports that is popular for American people to successfully share feelings of romanticism with each other's partners. It describes American culture by stating: "The model is unique in that it combines passion with comfort and friendship as properties of romantic love." One of its main contributions is advising the reader that "For successful romantic love relations, a person would feel excited about meeting their beloved; make passionate and intimate love as opposed to only physical love; feel comfortable with the beloved, behaving in a companionable, friendly way with one's partner; listen to the other's concerns, offering to help out in various ways if necessary; and, all the while, keeping a mental ledger of the degree to which altruism and passion are mutual."
In literature
Shakespeare and Søren Kierkegaard share a similar viewpoint that marriage and romance are not harmoniously in tune with each other. In Shakespeare's “Measure for Measure,” for example, "...there has not been, nor is there at this point, any display of affection between Isabella and the Duke, if by affection we mean something concerned with sexual attraction. The two at the end of the play love each other as they love virtue." In “Romeo and Juliet,” in saying "all combined, save what thou must combine By holy marriage," Romeo implies that it is not marriage with Juliet that he seeks but simply to be joined with her romantically.
Kierkegaard addressed these ideas in works such as “Either/Or” and “Stages on Life’s Way.”
"In the first place, I find it comical that all men are in love and want to be in love, and yet one never can get any illumination upon the question what the lovable i.e., the proper object of love, really is." — “Stages,” p. 48
In his 2008 book “How to Make Good Decisions and Be Right All the Time,” British writer Iain tried to establish rules for romance applicable across most cultures. He concluded on six rules, including:
1. Do not flirt with someone unless you might mean it.
2. Do not pursue people who you are not interested in, or who are not interested in you.
3. In general, express your affection or uncertainty clearly, unless there is a special reason not to.
Psychology
In his book “What Women Want, What Men Want,” anthropologist John Townsend takes the genetic basis of love one step further by identifying how the sexes are different in their predispositions. Townsend's compilation of various research projects concludes that men are susceptible to youth and beauty, whereas women are susceptible to status and security. These differences are part of a natural selection process where males seek many healthy women of childbearing age to mother offspring, and women seek men who are willing and able to take care of them and their children.
Research by the University of Pavia in Italy suggests that romantic love lasts for about a year before being replaced by a more stable, non-passionate "compassionate love." In companionate love, changes occur from the early stage of love to when the relationship becomes more established and romantic feelings seem to end. However, research from Stony Brook University in New York suggests that some couples keep romantic feelings alive for much longer.
Relationship maintenance
Daniel Canary from the International Encyclopedia of Marriage describes relationship maintenance as "At the most basic level, relational maintenance refers to a variety of behaviors used by partners in an effort to stay together." Maintaining stability and quality in a relationship is the key to success in a romantic relationship. He says that: "simply staying together is not sufficient; instead, the quality of the relationship is important. For researchers, this means examining behaviors that are linked to relational satisfaction and other indicators of quality." Canary suggests using the work of John Gottman — an American physiologist best known for his research on marital stability for over four decades — serves as a guide for predicting outcomes in relationships because "Gottman emphasizes behaviors that determine whether or not a couple gets divorced."
Furthermore, Canary also uses the source from Stafford and Canary (1991), a journal on Communication Monographs, because they created five great strategies based on maintaining quality in a relationship, the article's strategies are to provide:
Positivity: being joyful and optimistic, not criticizing each other.
Assurances: proving one's commitment and love.
Openness: to be honest with one another according to what they want in the relationship.
Social networks: efforts into involving friends and family in their activities.
Sharing tasks: complementing each other's needs based on daily work.
Comments